i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
