You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
