Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
