You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
