Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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