She is in my trunk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it's like heaven, but drunker
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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