Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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