I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
