I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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