I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
