Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
