she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
