did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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