I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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