"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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