I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
