man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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