You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
