i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
