The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
