Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
