The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
only you would photoshop your dick
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize