this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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