When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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