The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
where are you?
Hypothermia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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