I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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