On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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