i barfeds in our rink
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
