ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
