Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
