You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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