Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
third nipple confirmed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
