you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
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Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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