my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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