Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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