so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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