The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can I color on your dick again?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
