I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
