if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
