Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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