Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
