I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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