My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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