We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Congratulations! We have a period
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize