I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
