This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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