If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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