There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
