Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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