BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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