Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
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I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar