Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.