I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
