I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.