I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?