Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.