I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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