I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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