my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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