I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
